So this week has been very interesting for me! I have been experiencing a feeling that I have yet to feel unlit now. I feel a pain in my heart. A pain that hits hard every time I think about leaving. I feel like my heart is screaming, “stays here Jaycee!” But why? Why would that be even happening now? I have no doubt in my mind, heart, and soul that being a missionary is what Jesus has called me to be. I have no hesitation with following that because I am so sure…but the pain is still there!
I think about life when I have returned home from being away in the past and it makes my stomach turn. I can’t even tell you the feeling of disconnect that happens when I return from a time away from “home”.
The feeling that I have been forgotten. No, not forgotten as Jaycee, but forgotten as a part of “life” as we all know it to be happening!
I know this is unrealistic and absurd, I can’t help but think “life” here and now, the minute I leave, in some way pauses, stops, and waits for my return!
I expect my Nieces and Nephews to stay the same size, saying the same cute things, running into my arms when they see me saying “Aunt CECE!”
I expect my parents to look the same way.
I expect my dearest friends that I have turned to in times of need to still be so accessible and willing to drop every thing to be my friend.
I expect that all my friends will not make any new friends that I don’t know.
I expect my beautiful 8th grade girls that I mentor to stay in 8th grade dealing with the same issues, and me still having the honor of sharing life with them.
I expect all to stay the same and wait for me to return so we can get on with life again!
Man just writing that makes me laugh at the insanity of the thought, yet at the same time cry because I know.
I know all those expectations are not only unrealistic, the opposite of my expectation is reality! All of that will inevitably happen in my absence! And it hurts! It hurts so bad that my heart has been heavy and just plain different than ever before.
Something big is changing in my life, but it is transforming me spiritually as well!
I am leaving “home” as I know it. To go to a “home” that is unknown.
That is what has been hitting me at the core of my soul…
”HOME”
What is that? I am learning quickly that I really will never have a “home” if I make this move into the mission field. But something that I did not realize is that I am already home! I am home now as I sit in this country, state, and even house I grew up in, but I will be just as much at home in Latvia, in a City that I only know at a glimpse, and an apartment that…well, who knows! But I will be home. Even if I find myself in Africa, or the Middle East, or the moon, I will be home!
I think about life when I have returned home from being away in the past and it makes my stomach turn. I can’t even tell you the feeling of disconnect that happens when I return from a time away from “home”.
The feeling that I have been forgotten. No, not forgotten as Jaycee, but forgotten as a part of “life” as we all know it to be happening!
I know this is unrealistic and absurd, I can’t help but think “life” here and now, the minute I leave, in some way pauses, stops, and waits for my return!
I expect my Nieces and Nephews to stay the same size, saying the same cute things, running into my arms when they see me saying “Aunt CECE!”
I expect my parents to look the same way.
I expect my dearest friends that I have turned to in times of need to still be so accessible and willing to drop every thing to be my friend.
I expect that all my friends will not make any new friends that I don’t know.
I expect my beautiful 8th grade girls that I mentor to stay in 8th grade dealing with the same issues, and me still having the honor of sharing life with them.
I expect all to stay the same and wait for me to return so we can get on with life again!
Man just writing that makes me laugh at the insanity of the thought, yet at the same time cry because I know.
I know all those expectations are not only unrealistic, the opposite of my expectation is reality! All of that will inevitably happen in my absence! And it hurts! It hurts so bad that my heart has been heavy and just plain different than ever before.
Something big is changing in my life, but it is transforming me spiritually as well!
I am leaving “home” as I know it. To go to a “home” that is unknown.
That is what has been hitting me at the core of my soul…
”HOME”
What is that? I am learning quickly that I really will never have a “home” if I make this move into the mission field. But something that I did not realize is that I am already home! I am home now as I sit in this country, state, and even house I grew up in, but I will be just as much at home in Latvia, in a City that I only know at a glimpse, and an apartment that…well, who knows! But I will be home. Even if I find myself in Africa, or the Middle East, or the moon, I will be home!
It is not about the place, it’s about the person!
I am at Home because Jesus lives in me, and more than that I LIVE IN JESUS! He is my home!
Wherever I go is where I want to be because He is there!
So getting back to the point of me spitting all this to you…the pain I am feeling has been good, and will be good! Something that I want to share with you really quick that just hit my heart when I read it…
He who goes out weeping,
carrying a seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.
Psalm 126:6
I am encouraged tonight as I write this! Yes I am still hurting, and will for some time. But I know that I have seeds to sow…and look forward to the joyful return, whenever that is wherever that is! All that matters is that it is IN JESUS that I go…and return!
Thanks for reading my random thoughts!
